How We Met...

Meet Mo and Scott

I am originally from Zimbabwe, and my husband Scott is from Portland, Oregon, USA. When I left Zimbabwe in 1992 my cousins teased me about marrying an American. I remember laughing at them. “How preposterous!” I thought to myself. The idea of me marrying a non-African seemed so far-fetched it was almost inconceivable. I could not imagine giving up Zimbabwe, and as such I could not imagine someone else giving up their home for me, either. To say nothing of giving up my culture, and asking someone to embrace mine. The idea of me marrying a foreigner was not a realistic one in my mind.

Every so often Scott and I stop to reflect on the winding journey we took to get to each other. I suppose the idea of 2 people from different countries coming together isn’t as amazing as it used to be anymore, but we still marvel about it every once in a while.

It all started in a small town called McMinnville, Oregon. Back when we were in college, attending different schools, Scott’s friend invited him to a dance on our campus. While he was there he bumped into an Ethiopian friend of mine. As a linguist and an Afrophile, Scott was studying Amharic. He quickly became friends with my friend, and she later introduced us. For most people, the rest would be history. Not so for us! Scott is an engineer, and his preference for structure and orderliness reflects that. I am more laid-back, and often tend to think of time in a very fluid, not-rigid sense. While we didn’t hate each other on sight, it would be fair to say our relationship back then was more of 2 acquaintances than that of close friends.

Over the next 5 years we were aware of each other’s existence, and we occasionally bumped into each other along the way. Then, when I was graduating from graduate school, our mutual Ethiopian friend resurfaced. She had come in from New York (NY) to attend my graduation, and needed someone to pick her up from the airport. I was still in the process of completing my finals when she arrived, so we asked Scott to pick her up. It was at that point that he and I reconnected.
After graduation, my friend went back to NY. I was also moving to the East Coast for a job, and was considering options about how to get there. My initial plan was to drive across the country, but doing that alone didn’t sound like fun. I happened to mention to Scott that I was pondering how best to get there when he mentioned that he hadn’t taken a vacation in several years, so perhaps we could travel together? That seemed harmless enough, so, since we both had time to spare, we started planning how best to do this. The idea was to use a combination of planes, trains and automobiles as we meandered across the country. Scott found a few companies that were willing to loan him some techie toys to test and take with him as we traveled. That helped finance part of our trip, with the goal being for him to call in to radio shows every so often and let them know how their toys were performing. So, tickets in hand, sponsors found, we were ready for our trip.

We traveled together for a fortnight, and because dating each other, let alone marriage, wasn’t something either of us could see happening, we were able to get to know each other really well. We felt no compulsion to impress each other because this relationship, if one could call it that, was going nowhere. We would discuss world affairs and politics, and we argued long into the night. Our true selves really came out. And at the end of our 2 weeks, through Phoenix, AZ, Oklahoma City, OK and Detroit, MI, we arrived in Philadelphia (Philly) as friends.

While it would be generous to say that by the end we were changed people, I would say that getting to Philly, the place where we went our different ways, did leave us both feeling let-down. How could our time together be over? Along the way we had had many discussions about the importance of family, about our respective cultures, and about what it means to be world citizens. We had even discussed the importance of time to our respective cultures, as well as how we deal with silence. We hadn’t seen eye-to-eye on everything, but we had both come to the realization that while doing things our respective ways worked, it certainly wasn’t the only way to get things done. So the idea of severing ties with each other, though once appealing, became increasingly sad.

So we didn’t. We agreed to stay in touch. Long-distance relationships hadn’t worked for either of us in the past, but we were keeping open minds. Then Scott got a chance to go on a road show through his work, which kept him in the East Coast for several weeks. It was during that time that we decided we loved each other and were serious about each other.

A few months later, and also after spending hundreds of minutes on the phone with each other, we decided to elope and get married. We wanted our initial union to be something special just between the 2 of us, as the celebration with family and friends would follow later. I even managed to show up on time for the wedding! But we forgot one crucial thing: witnesses. There we were, barely 3 months after our road trip (which we now affectionately think of as a long date) ready to tie the knot in Wilmington, Delaware and we had no one to witness our union. Rather than reschedule, charmer that he is, Scott accosted some joggers in the park and asked them to be our witnesses. They very graciously accepted, and we got married on October 24, 2000.

We had already decided to live in Portland, so a few months after that I resigned from my job and moved back. The white dress marriage celebration with our families and friends happened on August 26, 2001. Their reaction to us waiting 5 years to have a baby is another story itself! But suffice it to say we now have an 8-month old baby boy, Zenzo.

As I look back I see that it was evident during our courtship that while we were as different as any alike people can be, when it came down to it we agreed on the fundamentals. My fears of having to chose between my home and his were non-issues: Scott has always loved the African continent, so instead of having one home we potentially have 2. And his concerns about spending the rest of his life with someone who did not see eye-to-eye with him on the fundamentals were also addressed. We both learned about the importance of compromise, and of having a sense of humor. When our cultures clashed we learned to look at both perspectives and, by combining the best from each one, we came up with a third, new option.

Scott and I have a great life, and we often chuckle about our “2 week date”. Would we do it over again? In a heartbeat. Loving and marrying someone from a different culture certainly has its challenges. But for us the rewards far, far outweigh the obstacles encountered along the way.

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Mo Nkiwane lives in Portland, OR with her husband, Scott, and their 8-month old baby, Zenzo. Mo works as a freelance writer and a full time mom. Her blog is at www.nkiwane.com/mo

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