Do everything you can to not argue about bilingualism around your children.  If your children feel that there is tension around the language they speak, it could have more of an impact than you imagine. 

When children notice that something is wrong in a given situation, often they often assume it has something to do with them or they believe something is happening in their family over which they have little control.  It can be very frightening for a child.  If they realize that it has something to do with the languages spoken in the home, then they may make their own decisions and choices as to how to deal with the situation.  Perhaps they will side with one parent, thinking that this will help matters, or perhaps they will choose not to speak a certain language at all, or even choose not to speak at all for a given period of time.

To resolve issues, speak with your spouse or family members in private, away from your children.  If possible, go for a walk or to a coffee shop to discuss the situation.  The best way to approach the situation is to decide ahead of time when to meet to discuss the issues.  This will give each person the time they need to get their thoughts organized and to make sure they are focusing on the issues that are really the problem.  If you bring up the subject all of a sudden to the other person, they may feel attacked or, at the very least, unprepared, and they might end up reacting to the situation rather than actually participating in a constructive discussion.

Most importantly, don't let these issues sit and stew.  You must bring them up sooner than later so that your family can make the steps toward becoming a stable bilingual and bicultural family.  The longer unresolved issues fester, the greater the chances are that they will never be resolved.
 

Your child not wanting to speak your language?

Don’t worry.

Be patient and stay the course.  Keep speaking, reading, dancing, joking and playing in your language.  Help your child want to speak it again by making it fun, enjoyable and simply part of life.
 

Are you still contemplating whether to speak to your child in a non-community language? 

Try it out for a while and get used to the idea.  You won’t harm your child by experimenting with language for a while before making a decision.  Get your spouse on board for encouragement and give it a try!

Maybe you need some cold, hard facts to get you motivated?  Check out our listing of ARTICLES to get you motivated and excited about raising a bilingual child.

Or perhaps you just aren't sure how to go about getting started or continuing once you have made the plunge?  Check out what our COLUMNISTS have to say or maybe read through a few of our favorite BLOGS and it wouldn't hurt to join a DISCUSSON list to share your questions with others.  We also have a short article with some QUESTIONS you need to ask over and over again.

After you have read over different information, try out an approach that seems to work best for you.  You can always change things later.  The most important thing is that you are actually taking the steps toward action.
 

Encourage your child to feel good about having two or more languages by always speaking about it cheerfully and matter-of-factly. 

You want your child to feel proud of having more than one language and culture without feeling too different or odd.  It has a lot to do with the tone of your voice that will help your child pick up on whether they have something to be proud of or not. 

Never let your children feel embarrassed for speaking to you in their second language, even during those times when you wish you didn't have to explain what they were saying to others in the community.  You will hear a lot of, "What did he just say?" or "What is she saying to you?" from others but remember, that this is the sign of a good situation.  You'd rather have to translate all the time than be encouraging your child to speak their second language.

It is probably inevitable that at some point your child will feel embarrassed by you for speaking in your language.  Your child may try to distance himself from you, or joke together with his friends about his strange parent.  Try to see things from your child's perspective and don't let yourself take this personally.  On the other hand, don't completly ignore this either.  Find a good time to talk with your child about this.  Let her know that it hurts you when she speaks that way about you but that you understand that it is hard to be in her shoes.  Discussion is essential for staying on track so don't avoid such issues for too long.

Don’t forget to keep your own language alive! 

Whether you speak the minority language as a native or non-native speaker, often when we start a family, it is after we have already left the country where our language is spoken.  We probably never learned all of the parenting and child-rearing language.  We probably weren't around other friends and family who were having children so that we could remember children's lullabys and baby nicknames. 

How can we make sure to keep our own language alive and pass it onto our children?
One suggestion is to read online parenting magazines and talk with family on the phone often so that you won’t feel like you are missing out and falling behind.  Find other parents who speak the same language and discuss language terms - sometimes this can end up being hilarious!  Visit family and friends in countries where your langauge is spoken.

But most of all, remember that keeping up with your language is for your own sense of self.  It is hard to return to visit family and friends and to realize how much you have missed and how much things and language has changed.  But when you give yourself the space and time to read articles, listen and watch media and chat with friends in your language, you are actually helping support bilingualism and biculturalism in your household and for your family.
 

If you have parents or in-laws who aren’t supportive of your choice to raise your children bilingually (for whatever reason), send them a research article every now and then about the benefits of bilingualism. (See a listing of research articles under the ARTICLES link).  But depending on the kind of people they are, don't throw it in their face out of anger because then they will feel like a battle has been declared.  Instead, find a softer way to present research and information to them so that they can slowly meet you half way.

Make sure to let them know that you are available to discuss their concerns. If they know that you respect them and their thoughts on the issue then they will be more willing to accept your choices.  Listen to their questions and thoughts and, without being defensive, try to answer the best and as honestly as possible.  You probably won't change their minds with defiance and anger so try to stay steadfast yet open to their ideas and concerns.

Often people just need the chance to get used to a new idea and who knows, in the end they may end up being your greatest support and encouragement.  It is always hard to get used to things that we don't expect so be patient.

It is important, however, that you stick to your overall plan.  You may modify it based on specifics but don't give up raising your children bilingually and biculturally because others have a problem with it!  That is where a support group can come in very handy.  See if there is a local language playgroup in your area or at least a parenting group where you can come together and give each other support. 

If you feel that you are wavering and that you need some support, send us an email and we can help give you some support and direct you to some research and articles that might help: info@biculturalfamily.org.  Or feel free to email Harriet with your questions and she can try and answer them in her next Ask Harriet column since there are bound to be others with the same issues as you!