I'd Like to Take This Opportunity to Thank Christmas

By Corey Heller

Dear Christmas,

I just wanted to write to say thank you. I know these last few years have been tough on you. We haven’t been the best hosts and you have had to pay the price.
Before the kids were born, when you visited we just kind of took things as they came. Family and friends often took the role of directing the activities of our holidays and we were happy to just go with the flow. But after the kids arrived, things changed, as I’m sure you noticed. Each year when you arrived, we probably seemed to be a little stressed out, a little restless and frustrated. I don’t think we really understood why we were feeling the way we were but clearly something wasn’t working right. I hope you know that it wasn’t because of anything you did. It was because of us and the fact that we hadn’t quite figured things out. In fact, we didn’t really even know that there were things to figure out!

Thank you for keeping quiet when we offered you our crazy mixture of foods and treats: lebkuchen and pumpkin pie, eggnog and wurstchen, brussel sprouts topped with nutmeg and butter as a side dish. It was a little strange for us at the beginning as well but now it all just feels right. As I’m sure you have noticed, we don’t complain about these little issues anymore. We all seem to have accepted the compromise and actually look forward to our mishmash of flavors and smells.

You may have also noticed that we are working through our language issues. When my mother and brother visit, I speak English with the kids. Yes, my husband continues to speak German regardless of visitors since it is his native language. This used to seem extremely counterintuitive since we go to such lengths to encourage our kids to speak German with us at all times but we haven’t seen any negative effects of this so far and it has helped to create an atmosphere in which all can participate and feel welcome. You may not have known, but some of our holiday frustration came from us trying to figure out these complicated language issues. And we often still wonder if we are doing something wrong.

As you can probably sense, there are still a few things that we haven’t quite figured out. My husband is still very nostalgic for home during the holidays and it is hard to console him. After I spent a few winter holiday seasons in Germany I can understand how he must feel. There is nothing like the smells, tastes and sounds that one encounters while walking through the outdoor holiday markets. And, of course, he misses his family tremendously, especially during these special times of year. These are elements which simply can never be replicated here in the States. Conversations with his mother, brothers and sister next to the stove, with a cup of coffee in hand can not be replicated with a telephone call. The long pauses between topics, the facial expressions, and the atmosphere are all missing. We know we will never find a solution to this and must simply accept the realities of our life, of our decisions. But this probably means that a visit to our home during the holidays will continue to include a slight edge of homesickness and nostalgia.

And while my husband feels the lack of his family during the holidays, you have probably sensed that my mother has had to go through her own process. Her life-long expectations of holiday rituals have had to undergo some alterations, something she had a hard time with at the beginning but, together with all of us, is slowly getting used to. Being the grandmother of bilingual and bicultural children has certainly expected more from her than she originally thought!

And what about me? Well, you’ve probably noticed that I tend to act like a mediator; like a referee. Whether it is needed or not, I end up feeling like someone has to stand in the middle with a view over everything to ensure we are celebrating with a good balance of traditions. A little of this here and a little of that there and not too much of either. As each year passes, though, I find there is less and less of a need for this role and I am more and more sitting back and enjoying the natural balance as it falls into place.
Ultimately, things seem to be going fairly well. After a few years of working things out, I think we have found a reasonable balance and blending. It is probably more due to the fact that we have all simply gotten used to things that at first seemed so new. It’s kind of like marzipan. If you have never eaten it and aren’t sure what it is, the first time you try it you are probably going to be in for a big surprise. But in time it kind of grows on you. I was surprised to find my mouth watering this year while walking through the marzipan store in Luebeck and later I was ready for a fight with my husband over some of my newly favorite pieces. So, you see, just give us some time and we’ll come around.

You have probably noticed that our kids seem to be taking everything in stride, at least so far. At this point they don’t question the mixture of holidays that we have created for them and seem to enjoy things as they are. But as the years pass, we hope you will stick with us as we adjust, adapt, discuss, consult, disagree and compromise our way through the holidays as our children grow and mature. There will be no end to this process but we will try and make it as painless as possible for you so that you will always look forward to visiting us during this special time of year.

Corey Heller is the founder of the Bilingual/Bicultural Family Network and the editor and publisher of Multilingual Living Magazine. She works as a Sr. Software QA Engineer and is the mother of three young children. She and her German husband are raising their children bilingually in German and English using the “minority language at home” method. Corey is always delighted to hear from readers: corey@biculturalfamily.org.

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