Do You Have Multicultural Holiday Stress?

by Harriet Cannon, M.C.

Fall has settled in and with it, the anticipation of the various year end holidays. In the US the dominant holidays remain Thanksgiving in November, Christmas and Hanukah in December and New Years Day January First. Now add in other holidays and traditions which come from your cultures. Yikes the “season” is upon us now. Are you nervous yet? Will there be visiting relatives from afar? What are their expectations? Or, might you be alone and homesick? Are your children getting greedy on the holiday advertisement blitz? How big is the communication gap between you, your parents and your in laws on which traditions take precedence at which holiday? Are you getting burned out creating the perfect blended cultural family for the holidays? If you answer yes to any of these questions, consider yourself normal.

As blended-culture families, we vary widely. Some of us follow our intuition and flow on how we honor the blended cultures in our families. Others have had many structured conversations with extended family attempting to be inclusive. On our calm, centered days most of us can be proud of how we are fashioning our multicultural life style but the holiday season can undermine the self esteem of even the most confident parent. It’s called holiday stress with a special multicultural spin.

One multicultural stress can be a feeling of isolation. You, your spouse or a parent may feel painfully nostalgic about the homeland, places and traditions which cannot be replicated where you now live. Pay attention to the signals; are you withdrawing from friends and family, are you unusually grouchy, do you feel depressed? Tell friends and your spouse and children some stories about how and with whom you celebrated your traditional holiday when you were young. Sharing from your heart about things you are missing will help those around you understand you are “homesick” for your traditions. It can be difficult, yet it is important, to be honest about your feelings without being judgmental of other cultures. If you tell your stories with love and without criticizing the culture in which your children or grandchildren are living, even young children will want to comfort you in the ways they can; making food together, decorating, and reading together about your culture.

Another multicultural holiday stress is being caught between parents and in-laws expectations. Despite the thoughtful efforts you and your spouse have been making to blend your cultures successfully into one family you have created, it may feel like your parents, his parents or both sets of parents are at war for the cultural hearts and minds of your children at holiday time. No matter what you do is wrong, wrong, wrong. Obviously their criticism is not rational so don’t fool yourself into believing you can have a rational conversation with your parents and in-laws about which tradition should be followed at which event. This very deep cultural power struggle is about influence and grandchildren. The holidays are important cultural markers. We see our differences at the holiday times in ways that are hidden in every day life. This is ethnocentrisms at its emotional height. You and your spouse will have to be very honest with each other about what you hold most dear in your cultural holiday traditions, only then can you negotiate a successful plan celebrating a blend of both your traditions. There is no formula because each family is unique. You may feel very vulnerable to criticism. Some parents and in-laws can be very judgmental, about your choices as they evolve. Remember, extended family is afraid of loosing cultural influence over their children and grandchildren. Have confidence. Perhaps talking to a counselor would help. Whatever you decide is best for you and your children will eventually be accepted long as you and your spouse present a united front with your parents/extended family. In time your extended families will gain confidence in you as they see some of their traditions being carried on over the years. Help your children in this by talking to them about the two worlds of their grandparents. Present it as a gift and your children will embrace their multicultural world and live comfortably in it with good self esteem.

Because there is added stress at holiday time for multicultural families, Fall is a good time to remember what nourishes you as a couple and a family. Sit down now and take some time together to plan some time alone together, remembering what is most important in your relationship and in your holiday time together.

Harriet Cannon, M.C. is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Consultant with over 20 years experience specializing in working with clients in life transitions; career, international relocation, bicultural and multicultural relationships and family issues. Ms Cannon has lived and worked in the United States and internationally for both the American Foreign Service and Puente Bretagna, a Chilean group of psychologists and Psychiatrists. Currently Harriet Cannon has her counseling and consulting office in Seattle, Washington. She consults throughout the Puget Sound to groups, international organizations and businesses. Ms Cannon was invited to present her research on the life stories of multicultural mothers and daughters at the International Family Therapy Conference in Washington DC in June 2005. For more information visit Harriet’s web site at www.harrietcannon.com

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