Family, Culture and Miscommunication

By Corey Heller

We know that communication is essential for a healthy relationship.
So what keeps us from speaking up?

Start with our top ten tips and make a change for the better this holiday season!

“I don’t think I can handle it this year,” sighed Maria, a mother of two in Spain married to a Frenchman. “When his mother arrives, she completely takes over and doesn’t even think about how I feel!” Maria’s mother-in-law is on her way to visit for another holiday, bringing with her traditional French foods, decorations, music and more. Although Maria is delighted that her mother-in-law goes out of her way to share French culture and traditions with her grandchildren, Maria is feeling overwhelmed and is becoming irritated at the lack of balance between her Spanish culture and her husband’s French culture. “I know that I should be happy to have such an involved mother-in-law since this is such a great opportunity for the children to be exposed to French traditions, language and culture. But since she always comes during the major holidays, I feel like I am not getting the opportunity to share certain rituals which are important to me.” What complicates matters is that Maria is not comfortable discussing her feelings directly with her mother-in-law and when she brings up the subject with her husband, he prefers to not discuss the issue so as to avoid confrontation. Maria is left feeling caught in a difficult situation and with no options for how to resolve the situation.

This is a very common scenario for families raising multilingual and multicultural children and holidays have a way of bringing out our strongest feelings. If left unaddressed, these feelings can lead to resentments which, over time, can develop into a deep-rooted bitterness in the family. An added element to the situation is that early on in our multicultural relationship, we may have been willing to simply just “go with the flow” of the holidays and let extended family make most of the important decisions. But once our children arrived, we started to feel a strong need to pass on our own childhood traditions. When we start to insist that things be done certain ways our extended family members may feel offended or concerned with this change. In Maria’s case, she has taken the first step toward recognizing why she is feeling frustrated. Her next step will be to come up with a plan of action to find a constructive way to work through her frustrations with her mother-in-law. It will most likely take a while for Maria and her family to find a balance which works for them but in the end it will be worth it for Maria, her children, her relationship with her husband and all of her extended family members, including her mother-in-law.

Ultimately it comes down to finding constructive ways to communicate with one another. What follows are ten tips on helping you to communicate better during the holidays and throughout the year:

Feeling Left Out.
Understand that some family members may feel a little left out. They may perceive that their traditions are being discarded for those of the “other” culture and are no longer important. Since you and your spouse are probably already feeling overburdened with working out the details of combining your traditions, you probably are not asking your extended family members their opinions. Remind them that they are important and that you just need time to figure things out.

Your Best At Heart.
Remember that no matter what your family members say, they still care very deeply about you and your family. They cherish their relationship with you and their comments sound much harsher than they are. They most likely are feeling hurt and wish they could find a way to communicate with you to tell you exactly how they are feeling but are afraid of your reactions to what they might say.

Speak Up.
Take time to sit together with your family members to discuss tensions rather than simply assuming that they understand what you are feeling through your silence. Set ground rules even though it might feel artificial and silly. For example, agree to try the following when you discuss key issues: When one person says something, the other pauses to respond honestly with, “I acknowledge what you said,” before continuing with the discussion. Often we simply want to know that we were heard, aside from trying to solve anything. Acknowledging the words and feelings of the other person is essential for moving forward.

First person discussion.
When you discuss your feelings with your family members, try to focus as much as possible on “I feel” sentences rather than “You are” sentences. It is easier to accept what someone is saying when they say, “I feel that you are not doing your best to make our holiday pleasant,” rather than “You are not doing your best to make our holiday pleasant.”

Everyone’s views count.
Make sure to give your family members time to respond to your statements and keep an open mind when they share their thoughts with you. Your family members most likely view things differently from you and feel that their views are just as important and valid as yours.

Complete Commitment.
If you want to make your relationship with your family members work, you need to be fully committed for what may be a long haul, even if your family members appear to be against it at first. Think about all of the reasons why it is important to have a good relationship with your family members. Write down these reasons and keep them close to you when the holiday season starts to creep up. Ultimately, you only have control over your own feelings and reactions so focus on those to help establish a healthy holiday season and to hopefully find a good relationship with your family members again. Besides, not letting yourself blow up or overreact sets an excellent example!

Spouse Involvement.
Remember that your spouse has his or her own family relationships and needs to deal with them as well, perhaps on his or her own terms. Share these tips with your spouse to encourage him or her to help create better communication channels with the entire family!

Patience.
Things take time so do not expect your relationship with family to change overnight. Everyone needs time to get used to the idea that change for the better needs to happen and that hard work and commitment are needed from all sides. Talk with your spouse about how to best approach family members so that they will be least likely to overreact.

Pick your battles.
Focus first on the big issues that are frustrating you the most. Try to keep yourself from throwing in all issues all at once. You may need to write out a list ahead of time and think about the issues that are really bothering you. If possible, try to find ways to explain these issues in ways that are concrete and clear. It is more difficult to solve an abstract issue than it is to focus on ones that can clearly be identified and a solution found.

Two-way street.
Communication is a two-way street. Make sure your family members have the chance to share their feelings and insecurities as well. This isn’t about getting your way or making others change. This is about finding compromises and solutions that will really work for you and your extended family.

Have additional tips for communicating with family during the holidays? Have stories about how you worked through a difficult time with family members? Share them with us and we will publish them in the next issue of Multilingual Living Magazine! Send your tips, stories, and suggestions to: editor@biculturalfamily.org!

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