Ask Harriet and Grace

No matter how long we have been raising our children bilingually and biculturally, each stage in our children’s development brings new questions and concerns. Multilingual Living Magazine’s resident experts, Harriet Cannon and Grace Libardo Alvarez, are here to help! This month’s questions come to us from Belgium and Germany...

FROM KRISTINA IN GERMANY:

Dear Harriet,

My name is Kristina, I’m 25 years old and I live in Germany. My father is German (he is fluent in English). My mother is English. Since I was born until we went to kindergarten my Mum spoke English with me and my sister, and my Dad spoke German with us. Then we probably realized that all the other children only spoke German, so we stopped speaking English completely (except when we visited our relatives in England or they visited us.) My Mum still spoke English with me and my sister at the time, but we both answered in German. And this is how it still is now.

My English isn’t as good as it used to be. I have hardly been to England. And our relatives don’t visit us very often. One Aunt comes about once a year. And even then it’s hard for me to speak English with my Mum. So I don’t get to speak English very often. I read English books and I can handle the writing quite well.

I’m engaged and want to marry next year. We would like to have children and I want them to learn English right from the start. It will probably not be done with only my Mum speaking English with them. So in the last couple of weeks I started to think all this over. If I really want my children to grow up bilingual (and I really do!), then I also have got to start doing something for it! Now!

So here is my “problem”:

I would really love to speak English with my Mum again, but it would cost me quite an effort to do it. It’s embarrassing for me, because I feel so weird about it. I think the way I talk sounds funny. It would be as if my Mum would suddenly speak German with me. (She speaks a very good German; mostly you don’t hear her accent). When I know that English people can also speak German, then I prefer German, just to feel safer. My Mum always says that my English is still very good, but I know it’s not that good anymore. Because of the “school English” I had (which was more American than British English) my pronunciation of some (even simple) words is just not how it should sound. And I’m not as fluent in it anymore. I think too much before speaking. I’m sure my English would get better after a couple of weeks or months if I started speaking with my Mum, but it’s just so embarrassing for me. I would be glad if you could give me some tips how I could handle this.

Sunny greetings from Frankfurt,
Kristina

P.S. If readers of Multilingual Living Magazine would like to contact me with suggestions, tips or just to share their thoughts and own situations, my email address is: tinaboss@web.de.

ANSWER FROM HARRIET:

Dear Kristina,

You have a question which is quite common for bicultural adults in their 20’s who want to gain or regain fluency with their second language and heritage.

You speak fondly about being bilingual as a child and moving between the two language worlds. It sounds like your experience was the usual one; as you got into school and realized your peers all spoke German, you pulled away from the English language and it atrophied. At the age of 6-7 years there is a psychological development stage which Eric Erickson (a Danish/American psychologist) named “industry verses inferiority”. At this time in a child’s life, the child strives to master skills, and be accepted in the peer group. It is the time of clubs, beginning sports teams and being accepted by the larger peer group. Children at this stage of development are very intolerant of anyone who is different. Children at this age want to blend in. This is the developmental stage that is most difficult for parents to keep their children’s non-dominant language fluent. Most parents end up going with the flow and tolerate the children speaking in the dominant language. The good news is, most young adults get very interested in their
heritage and language as you are doing.

As you prepare for your marriage and future children, it sounds like you are committed to gaining an adult level fluency in English. It will be a real gift to you and your future children to be able to connect with your “English” heritage. Congratulations on your commitment.

One of the things that may give you courage to talk more directly with your Mum about increasing your English facility is to ask her to tell you (in German if you prefer) about her own experience coming to live in Germany and what it was like to be a foreigner and not perfectly fluent in German when she was young. When did she feel misunderstood, embarrassed, treated with prejudice for having poor grammar? Does she have suggestions about how the two of you can have fun improving your English? Questions like this will help your Mum be more empathetic, and you be more comfortable in trying more English with your Mum.

Another thing which might make you more comfortable with your Mum would be to find some other places to practice speaking English. I don’t know what the resources are in you area but some of the usual resources are International Women’s organizations, International Student Clubs, Trading German conversation lessons for English ones with expatriates, taking a
month or two immersion vacation or working vacation in an English speaking country-maybe living with one of your relatives in England.

Last but very important, is the issue of personal power and language fluency. My guess is when speaking German, you and your Mum can talk about anything deeply and you can express yourself as an intelligent adult. Moving to a second language in which you are not fluent, you become more child-like, less powerful, in the relationship. It can be upsetting, even
humiliating to be unable to express yourself and feel understood as you are in German. This loss of power is the main reason why people most who immigrate at a later age prefer to speak in their native tongue and usually never gain the fluency that those under 35 achieve. It is just too painful to take the learning curve transition. You may be feeling this pain too when you are speaking with Mum in English. Go back to your Mum’s immigration stories and remember your sense of humor.

I hope that this response is helpful. I wish you the very best in finding just the right path to establish the English fluency and cultural connection for your life.

Best regards,
Harriet
www.harrietcannon.com

Harriet Cannon, M.C. is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Consultant with over 20 years experience specializing in working with clients in life transitions; career, international relocation, bicultural and multicultural relationships and family issues. Ms Cannon has lived and worked in the United States and internationally for both the American Foreign Service and Puente Bretagna, a Chilean group of psychologists and Psychiatrists. Currently Harriet Cannon has her counseling and consulting office in Seattle, Washington. She consults throughout the Puget Sound to groups, international organizations and businesses. Most recently Ms Cannon was invited to present her research on the life stories of multicultural mothers and daughters at the International Family Therapy Conference in Washington DC in June 2005. For more information visit her web site at www.harrietcannon.com. If you have a question for Harriet, send it to her at: harriet@harrietcannon.com.

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