My Kid Speaks Better Than Yours!

Whether we know it or not, we say things to other parents of bilingual children that can cause them to worry and feel that they are being judged. Since we often feel that all eyes are on us and our bilingual family, we sometimes take comments from others as indications of our failings. We, as parents of bilingual children, don't have the same cultural and familial cues as others to guide us along our path and we sometimes tend to get stuck comparing and contrasting our decisions and accomplishments with others. We know we shouldn't but sometimes it is hard not to.

Here are some of the biggest doubt triggers:

•  “Little Susie has been speaking Arabic and Spanish for months!”

Inner Thoughts: What, I can't believe it! Our Johnny has only said a few incomprehensible words while pointing to things, and he's as old as Susie. I'm sure we are doing something wrong. Susie's parents are must be doing a better language approach than us, maybe we should change. Or maybe we aren't speaking to Johnny enough or exposing him to enough activities with other children.

Reassessment: Don't panic! Stay calm and remember that Susie's mom is probably just very excited about Susie's progress and therefore wants to share it with you since you are someone who can understand the joys of raising a bilingual child. She obviously didn't know that her comments would make you worry. Even if she did say it for selfish reasons, just smile and say, “Wow, that is impressive indeed!” and let it go. Johnny will certainly be speaking more words and sentences very soon but if you are truly concerned then contact a speech therapist who understands the issues of bilingual families.

•  “I'm sending Josh to a Chinese immersion school. We figured that since we speak French at home we might as well have him learn a third language! He is doing great!”

Inner Thoughts: Trilingual!? Our children are only going to be bilingual… that is if they can actually construct a full sentence every now and then. And Japanese! That is amazing. Josh will definitely end up at the top of his class in everything and will snap up any job he wants after he obtains a Medical degree and passes his bar exam. My poor children are going to have to struggle their whole lives because they didn't go to Japanese immersion school.

Reassessment: Yes, immersion schools are becoming more and more popular these days. Sometimes it seems as if everyone's child is going to an immersion school. But why should you let this bother you? If you want to send your children to an immersion school and you can afford it then great, it certainly can't do any harm. But if you just don't see it working out for your children right now, then stop worrying. Yes, your children will ONLY be bilingual but who said this was supposed to be some kind of competition and race to the finish line? Try to ignore these pressures and focus on your children for who they are right now! Seek out their unique talents and traits and help them flourish as well-rounded individuals. They will only be young once.

•  “My kids always speak my native language, Hungarian, with me. What about your kids?”

Inner Thoughts: I knew my kids were the only ones who aren't speaking French with their mother. What am I doing wrong? I only speak to them in French, when I read to them it is only from French books, we watch and discuss French DVDs and listen to French children's songs together. I can't think of what more I can do to encourage them to speak with me in French.

Reassessment: It is truly hard to know why children decide not to speak their parents' language with them. Often it is just a phase, so be patient. Children like to try out new things and language is no exception. Maybe they like using the language that their friends are using, or maybe they are trying to emulate others who speak to you in the community language by repeating their words? What you can try doing is simply asking them why they are using one language and not the other. Once I asked my sons why they were speaking in English, instead of German, while playing together. My one son looked up at me and said, exasperated, “Mama, because we are being workers!” It dawned on me later that of course, they had been watching a DVD from the library in English showing construction workers building a road! To emulate these road builders, they were using English. They had learned the appropriate vocabulary for road building in English and therefore could only use those words in English. Perhaps if they had watched the DVD only in German, they would be role-playing construction workers in German.

•  “Wow, you speak with your children in a non-native language? Aren't they going to pick up your accent and grammatical mistakes?”

Inner Thoughts: Of course she is right! I make a million grammatical mistakes and I certainly don't have a native speaker accent! I am probably ruining my children's second language by speaking it with them. But if I don't speak it with them then they won't have the chance to become bilinguals. I'm not sure what I should do.

Reassessment: Yes, it is possible that your children will grow up with an accent and poor spoken grammar. But what are the alternatives? If you are the only second language speaker in the household, then if you don't speak with them in a second language they won't have any chance to grow up in a bilingual household. If your spouse speaks the second language natively then your children will be exposed to his/her native accent and things will balance out at least to some degree. You should focus on the fact that you are getting your children started with a second language; the rest will be worked out along the way. In fact, you are making a bigger sacrifice than many other parents out there. You are actually making the choice to raise your children in a language that isn't your own, a language that doesn't come naturally to you. You should commend yourself on having taken this difficult step rather than berating yourself for possibly not being perfect in its execution. There are many reasons why parents choose to raise their children in a language that isn't their native language so make sure to weigh those against such arguments as well.

•  “Thank goodness my husband is at home all day with the kids, otherwise I don't know how they would be able to become bilingual!”

Inner Thoughts: Yes, she is right, unless the second language speaker is at home with the kids all day, they will never become truly bilingual. I guess if I was really serious about my kids becoming bilingual, I would be spending more time with them and we would be focusing on language more. I wonder if it is even worth speaking with them in my language since it is such a small amount of time. Maybe I should just stop speaking with them since it doesn't seem to be very successful.

Reassessment: Nothing has shown that you have to be at home with your kids all day for them to become bilinguals! Of course, the more time you spend with them helps since it gives them more exposure to you and your language. Kids who spend most of the day with second language speakers will probably have a better mastery of the language and will probably be more inclined to speak it. However, this doesn't mean you shouldn't keep speaking a second language with your kids. When you get home from work, make sure to spend time with your children reading to them from second language books, having tea parties with them and their dolls, playing in the back yard. If you make dinner, have them help you with the preparations and explain what you are doing in your language. Have them tell you about their day and repeat their sentences in your language if they don't seem to want to speak it. If they are older and can understand, make an agreement with them that the hours you are together are second language time and that it would mean a lot to you it if they spent this time speaking your language with you. If they don't want to right now, that is ok, at least they heard your request – they may need a little time getting used to the idea. Remember that once your children are in school, the time you spend with your kids after work will be very close to the amount of time other parents of bilingual children spend with their kids. Ultimately, the quality of the time you spend with your children will have as much if not a greater impact than the quantity of time.

[Corey Heller]

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