Culture Clashes

I am sometimes asked whether marriage to a Russian presents problems around cultural differences.  I often do not know quite how to reply because we Americans are not used to thinking about our culture; suburbs, shopping malls and super-sized fast food meals can’t be culture, can they?

Culture can seem invisible because it is the subtext of our interactions with others from our society.  We share a set of assumptions that facilitates communication and create understanding.  When I sing the “Gilligan’s Island” theme song, quote “The Raven,” or reference hanging chads, I am capitalizing on Americans’ shared cultural property.  Without this treasure trove to pull from when relating to my foreign-born husband, I sometimes have to work harder to create understanding and avoid mistaken assumptions.

Culture is a set of learned behaviors and ways of communicating that shape not only our actions but also our very thoughts.  National and ethnic cultures pervade our lives, encompassing:

• The way we organize our physical environment, for example single-family homes versus apartment buildings
• Social systems, such as waiting in line or pushing to the front
• Manners and etiquette; in some cultures spitting and littering are normal, in others they are reviled
• Values and beliefs, for example youth-oriented culture versus seeking-out the wisdom of the elderly
• Conceptions of time – punctuality versus “island time”

When we interact with people from different societies, we notice our own culture along with others’ differences.  This prompts us to reflect on things we have taken for granted.  My father-in-law habitually makes dinner toasts “to all the beautiful ladies.”  This grates on me in the extreme.  It took some thinking for me to figure out why it got under my skin so much.  I had to mull-over feminism, my assumptions about myself and my fellow women and the implications of what my father-in-law was saying.  Even more difficult, I had to become aware of his culture, a setting in which his remarks seem appropriate to him.  I still find these toasts offensive, but I no longer take offense, for I know he is offering a well-meaning sentiment that comes from his heart.  I do, however, reserve the right to engage in less than subtle eye rolling.

Culture becomes a filter through which we both perceive and interpret the world and its people.  To be cultured is to have a finely honed grasp of one’s own society.  How can a foreigner ever hope to measure-up when operating in an environment whose nuances and symbols can hardly be understood much less mastered?  While we and our foreign friends and partners may have difficulty becoming highly cultured by each others’ standards, we may instead be charmed by each others’ exoticism.  Every time my husband says something adorable like “crooks and nannies” or “forth and back” I am charmed and willing to cut him some slack when he next drives me crazy.  This can go a long way towards building the good will that enables our relationships to withstand the tests of cross-cultural irritations and inconveniences.

Cross-cultural issues can be volatile, touching as they do on our unconscious, core beliefs and values.  When my husband and I discussed becoming engaged we talked about rings, and he was quite shocked to learn that I expected a diamond.  I was equally shocked that there was any question about the matter.  We both felt very touchy and vulnerable about this issue.  Marriage requires us to bridge the cultural divide and resolve highly charged issues to our mutual satisfaction.  If we are convinced that our way is right, compromise becomes less likely.

The first plank in the cultural bridge is awareness of one’s own culture.  I think of American culture as convenience-oriented, individualistic, materialistic, competition and merit based, anti-intellectual, informal, fun-oriented, and focused on punctuality, speed and outcomes.  That’s my take.  No culture is monolithic, however.  There are regional, local and ethnic variations, and each of us absorbs and highlights different aspects of our society’s culture.

The next plank in the bridge is awareness of how one’s culture impacts perceptions and judgment.  Once we admit to ourselves that we have a position, we can question its validity.  If we keep insisting that something’s wrong with that damn foreigner, we never create room to examine where we’re coming from and find a compromise.  I realized how deeply ingrained individualism is in me, for example, when my in-laws stayed in our home for 11 weeks.

For the first few weeks of my in-laws’ visit, I’d ask them every night before dinner “what would you like to drink with your meal?” and they would invariably respond, “Whatever everyone else is having.”   I would reply (eventually through gritted teeth) “everyone else is having whatever they want.”  Every night I’d feel more frustrated and put-out.  Why couldn’t they just tell me what they wanted?  Were they trying to make my life as a hostess more difficult?  Was this some joke or exquisite torture they devised for me?  Were they mocking my goodwill?  Over time I came to learn that while the communist form of government may have gone the way of the dinosaurs, Russian culture remains very communal.  Russians are uncomfortable and balk when asked to say what they want.

Once we have identified our own culturally based views, we can decide which issues are negotiable and identify where our values and beliefs intersect.  Whether we can navigate our cultural differences depends more on how we handle the challenge than on what the differences are.  When we identify our cultural influences and see how they are operating we have the opportunity to step back and evaluate whether they are serving us or placing obstacles in our path.

One year my husband suggested that we limit ourselves to what felt to me like a very low Christmas spending budget, and I freaked-out.  We argued and were both dissatisfied with the outcome.  Over the years I have dissected the issue and realized that I have a deeply held belief that the number, value and thoughtfulness of holiday gifts reflects how much the gift giver values me. Identifying the underlying belief was really difficult.  If someone had asked me whether I believed my value depended on the types of gifts I received, I would have thought it ridiculous.  Embarrassing as it was to admit to myself, I identified the kernel of truth in this belief.  Having done so, I am now able to call it into question and gain some distance from it. 

I still enjoy making a big deal about the holidays through gift giving and receiving.  I still love all the wrappings and trimmings.  But I have also come to see the grotesqueness of the waste, the debt, and the extravagance in the face of others’ need.  I have begun to distance myself from the idea that material goods are the most appropriate way of connecting to my loved ones.  I am sensitive, now, to the message extravagant gift giving sends to our child about how people show their love.  This is a slow evolution and a balancing act that I am sure will continue for years to come.

It is not only nations that have cultures, of course.  Families each have their own culture, and when we marry one of our most significant tasks is to merge all our cultures -- familial, ethnic, national, class and religious.  In doing this, we strive to pick the best of each to build on.  Regardless of their members’ backgrounds, families need a shared culture to succeed.  We all want our children to know and share our cultures, values and beliefs.  I hope our daughter can learn a balance between individualism and the collective good, thriftiness and luxury, and between America’s informal and Russia’s more formal culture.  If she can have the best of both worlds she will be a lucky girl indeed.

© Colleen Laing

Colleen Laing is a freelance writer living in Seattle. She has a 3-year-old bilingual daughter. Colleen writes a monthly column for the BBFN newsletter about single-language parenting a bilingual child. She welcomes feedback and article ideas at cblaing@oz.net .