Family No Longer Supportive of Language Choices
Question: My brother and sister-in-law seemed supportive about my decision to speak Japanese with my children but now they are complaining that it makes communication with my children difficult. Do you have suggestions on how to handle this conflict?
Harriet: It sounds like this is an issue of feeling excluded, which is one the biggest emotional issues in families where not everyone speaks two languages. There are two parts to the problem.
First, knowledge of a language is a powerful tool. When a child speaks a language and an adult family member does not, the adult may feel diminished in his/her authority or hierarchy in the relationship with the child. Rather than overtly address the feeling, often the adult reacts in frustration at the language rather than the feeling of being one down when the child is speaking in the second language.
Second, the use of the second language makes the differences in how you are culturally raising your child more overt and uncomfortable to some family members. They may feel you are being “disloyal” to your language. One possible solution for the question you ask is to talk directly to your brother and sister in law about your family second language and if it makes them feel left out of the family circle. Do they have suggestions about what would make it better for them? Can your children teach them some games and songs? Can you translate bilingually when they are present? Can you talk about family culture loyalty together? In most cases the conflict is reduced when an open ongoing dialogue is introduced.
Children Not Speaking to Grandmother in Her Language
Question: My mother is Italian, speaks broken English, lives with us and provides day care while my husband and I are at work. Now that my children are 7 and 9, they speak English together, with their friends and don’t want to speak Italian much at home. My mother is very upset. What should I do?
Harriet: Your children are at the developmental stage of life that psychologist Erik Erikson calls “Industry verses inferiority.” At this stage children need to fit in and feel competent about how they operate in the work of school and social life outside the home. They want to be accepted to the group and chosen for the club membership.
Children at this age often minimize relationships with their second language and make fun of the minority culture in their family to prove their “loyalty to their friends in the majority culture.”
Talk to your children with your mother about your mother’s feelings and enlist their suggestions on how to include her in their English conversations. Can they read to her in English and help bring her on board with their favorite books and activities? Is your mother willing to take some adult English classes so that she feels more a part of their lives and have more options for her own activities when your children no longer need day care?
Comfort your mother with the knowledge that your children will come back to their love of the Italian language and culture when they get to their mid teens.
|
