Send Harriet your most pressing questions!

Harriet Cannon, M.C. is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Consultant with over 20 years experience specializing in working with clients in life transitions; career, international relocation, bicultural and multicultural relationships and family issues.

Ms Cannon has lived and worked in the United States and internationally for both the American Foreign Service and Puente Bretagna, a Chilean group of psychologists and Psychiatrists.

Currently Harriet Cannon has her counseling and consulting office in Seattle, Washington. She consults throughout the Puget Sound to groups, international organizations and businesses. Most recently Ms Cannon was invited to present her research on the life stories of multicultural mothers and daughters at the International Family Therapy Conference in Washington DC in June 2005.

For more information visit Harriet’s web site at www.harrietcannon.com

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July-August Ask Harriet:

Extended family critical of children's manners
Father-In-Law's inappropriate comments

Extended family critical of children's manners:

Q:  We are going to Finland to visit my in laws for the summer. Two years ago when we visited Finland, my kids were 3 and 5.  Family and friends were understanding and encouraging in helping my children improve their Finnish but they were quite critical of my kid’s “American” manners.  I am more concerned this will happen again and be more hurtful.  How shall I handle this concern?  

A:  It is common human nature to be critical of what we don’t understand.  Your extended family and friends probably think they are “helping” you properly raise your child. Sociologists will call this an example of ethnocentrism.  Ethnocentrism is the process of assuming that your cultural way of doing something is better; manners, gender roles practices, jokes, how you spend a Sunday afternoon etc.  The ethnocentric practice you are responding to is competition for “best practices” in child rearing.  There is also an underlying fear on the part of your extended family as they see your children growing up Finnish American, not Finnish.  They probably unconsciously fear the more “foreign” your children’s attitudes become, the weaker the grandparent-grandchild relationship will become. 

Prepare for your summer trip. Take heart and take action.  You and your spouse can use humor and YOUR understanding of how to cross cultural bridges to talk to your children. Think about what your kids need to know about rules and roles in Finland.  Consider making a weekly Finnish manners, customs and food day.  Concretely talk to the children about what Finns would find odd or offensive.  Help the children understand criticism about manners is cultural not personal.  Do some role playing.  Use humor and have fun with it. Make it a game to be good “Finnish” citizens for the day. 

It would be a good strategy to talk to your family about how you are “educating” your children with Finnish traditions but remind them of the large influence for 5 and 7 year olds is the peer group at school.  Highlight the blood bond and love your children will have for family and Finland when everyone is stressing the positive as your children live in two worlds. Give yourself time to be alone with your spouse to recharge your self esteem boundries, remembering ethnocentricism is cultural not personal.

Father-In-Law's inappropriate comments:

Q: My father in law, who is from Brazil, has always made strong sexist comments to me about my work and how I run the household.  Now I have 2 and 4 year old daughters and I really want to put a stop to this.  What should I do? (I was also born in Brazil but came to the US at the age of 10.) 

A:  If your father in law is making comments that undermine your parental authority or is blatantly hostile it is time to take action.  Talk to your husband about how much the two of your think this behavior is cultural and how much might be anger about something else in his relationship with you or your husband.  Factor in whether your father in law could have alcohol, depression or other problems.  Either way, it is wise to confront the triangulation. Dad is harassing YOU about the way BOTH of you have decided to manage your work and the household. It is time for your husband to talk with HIS father in support of you.  It is important for the adult child (in this case your husband) to talk to his/her own parent to break the triangulation which can undermine your relationship and parenting.  If your father in law has other problems that need airing, the father/son talk can refocus to the real problem. 

No one is asking your father in law to change his opinion about women’s roles, just to keep them to himself in front of you and your girls or use benign humor not aggression.  If this answer does not seem to be a supportive solution to your problem, consider seeing a professional counselor with your husband to develop a plan.

Read more Ask Harriet HERE.

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