What to Do When He Won’t Speak the Language

by Sarah Mueller

You’ve probably received a lot of advice both online and off, from friends and strangers about how best to raise a child bilingually. But it’s not always as easy as following a magic formula to produce accomplished bilingual children. Sometimes even with the best of intentions and a great deal of effort, your child still isn’t speaking a second language. This is our story.

We started out a very promising bilingual family. We spoke German faithfully to our first child, NJ, read tons of books, and followed a fairly consistent minority language at home pattern (German amongst ourselves and English with most family and the community at large). I’ve operated a German children’s Internet bookstore for the past 3 years and I discuss bilingualism with my customers on a daily basis. Bilingualism is really important to me! NJ started out speaking a good amount of German, although his English has always been more advanced. But somewhere along the way, things started to deteriorate. His English was growing by leaps and bounds. With my non-native German I had a hard time keeping up with Scooby Doo and deep sea creatures and all the other complicated things his young mind wanted to discuss. He started to speak less and less German and finally stopped altogether.

I sighed and called it a phase and found consolation that our younger son seemed to be progressing so well with his languages. My bilingual friends told me not to worry and to wait it out. And then I found myself switching to English with him more often. I’m very sad to say that eventually I ceased addressing NJ in German at all.

Then we had a really hard year between the ages of 4 and 5. NJ exhibited a host of problematic behaviors. NJ was a very bright child who couldn’t seem to remember things from one minute to the next. He melted down unexpectedly over seemingly minor frustrations and hadn’t tried a new food in literally over 3 years. He had a terrible time with transitions and I found myself frequently dragging him home from preschool at the end of the day. He couldn’t sit still. All of these things are normal for an active 4 year old but taken together and with the intensity he showed, something just didn’t seem right to me. Finally after months of research and frustration, we finally had a diagnosis – sensory processing disorder (SPD). People with SPD misinterpret everyday sensory information, such as touch, sound, and movement. We had to learn all over again how to give NJ the sensory input his brain and body needed to function optimally. During this time, speaking German with NJ was very low on my list of priorities. Emotionally spent, I was just happy to get through the day without him melting down or getting so wound up he would do laps around the house at 9pm. He wasn’t speaking German with us and we weren’t speaking German with him. My customers would ask how my kids are doing with German and I would tell them give them he’s a passive bilingual but we’re confident he’ll show more interest in the future. While this was certainly the truth, I wasn’t doing much to help him get there. In truth, I had written off his ability to become an active bilingual in the near future.

Time passed and occupational therapy did wonders for NJ’s attitude and attention span. We learned all kinds of coping techniques. We also learned how important it was to be patient and calm (something I’m working on daily). NJ is homeschooling so he’s free to learn at his own pace. But I was still ignoring the lack of German. Then a couple weeks ago, it hit me! Do we want to do this or not? Do we hope that NJ will be bilingual? Of course. If so, why am I not doing anything about it?! Enough with the excuses – I might not be able to change his language pattern but I certain could change my own. The next day I started speaking German with him. At first he didn’t even seem to notice the change. Then he gradually began responding to questions with Ja or Nein. Then he started repeating things I would say and mixing in German he was comfortable using! I was thrilled that he had retained so much even though he hadn’t actively been using it for over a year. He’s still speaking a lot more English than German but at least he’s willing to use German and he is showing a renewed interest in German books and DVDs. My father-in-law is coming to stay in May and I can’t wait to see how much of an impact the immersion that week will have.

Our story is far from over – in fact I feel like we’re just beginning. SPD isn’t cured with a few months of therapy. Our bilingual habits won’t be cemented after a few short weeks of change. But at least we are making progress and we are happier. Whether or not your child is facing the challenge of special needs, I encourage you to evaluate your strategy and the environment you are creating for him. Take it slow but don’t underestimate his capabilities. Know your child and accept him for what he is while at the same time helping him to shine and be the best he can be.

Sarah Mueller is a homeschooling mom and proprietor of Alphabet Garten, a German internet bookstore for children. She and her husband and sons, ages 5 and 2, live in New Jersey. She welcomes your comments at smueller@Alphabet-Garten.com.

© Sarah Mueller

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