Parents Showing Preferential Treatment?

Moving to Another Country with Bilingual Children?

Read Harriet's answers below:

Question:   We are a mixed race couple with an adopted mixed race four year old son.  I can see my parents showing preferential treatment towards my sisters’ children who are not mixed race and are not adopted.  I thought my parents were more fair minded. I am very hurt and angry.  How shall I handle this?

Answer:   This is a complex issue because it hits on relationship bonding, phenotype (how we look), and family legacy.  An example of relationship bonding happens in the “friend or community families” we form and to whom we may feel as close as or emotionally closer than our blood families.  It’s romantic love too. Phenotype and legacy rear up as issues in all extended families.  Grandparents, aunts and uncles resonate first to who “looks like me, resembles us” as a deep primal predisposition.  There is some research that states human newborns may resemble the father more at birth so our ancestral cave dwelling males would provide for their offspring while the mother was nurturing the child in the first months after birth. When a child looks “different” for whatever reason, especially mixed race and adoption, relationship bonding with extended family can be more challenging.  Making quality individual time for your parents/extended family to form that deep relationship bond with your son, to “fall in love” with him is the first step. It is never too late to start.  It can be time consuming, expensive effort if your parents do not live near by.  For good long term relationship bonding it is time well spent.  Relationship bonding will ameliorate the problems of phenotype prejudice “your child doesn’t look like me” but in many families not entirely.  Your parents may have deep prejudices they are not willing to discuss and/or they may have deep disappointment that your children are adopted.  Even through US culture has intellectually evolved about adoption and mixed race families many people are ashamed to discuss their fears and disappointments when it happens in their own family.  Try talking to your parents non defensively about what you notice about this preferential treatment.  They may not be aware of what they are doing.  They may also be ashamed of how they feel and not know how to talk about it. Even if this is painful for you, see if you can hear their point of view and make some changes on your child’s behalf.  You can also see a professional counselor familiar with multicultural, adoption issues to develop a strategy of working with your parents. I have seen many grandparents dramatically change once the issues have been addressed in a constructive manner.

Question:  We are a bicultural couple (US and Spanish) living in Seattle.  Our children are 4 and 6 years and my wife speaks only Spanish at home with the children.  We are planning to go to Spain for 2-3 years to live and work near my wife’s family.  Are there tips we should know about bi cultural child development? 

Answer:   Moving internationally has its challenges with children although young children adjust more easily.  Because young children don’t know what a move will mean to them, any explaining you do about this wonderful adventure will be lost on them.  They will pick up on your enthusiasm which is positive but they will not understand what they are going to loose.  Once you relocate, they will react to the loss of familiar people and places.  They will also react to your stress and culture shock adjustment.  Do whatever you can to keep the US family contact strong with visits by your extended family and friends.  This is easier with today’s technology and web cams. Take many of your children’s “special toys” and furnishings with you.  Creating consistency is important for a child’s feeling of safety and self esteem.  The culture and language differences are challenge enough.  Children need their “stuff”.  When you move, be sure and have a family meeting at least twice a week to check in with everyone on “what is going well and what isn’t”   everyone makes suggestions and plans for the week ahead.  Young Children having adjustment problems are more likely to be cranky rather than withdrawn or depressed like adolescents or adults.  Keep an eye on your children’s moods so you can nip any problems early.  Do join the local expatriates or American Clubs.  No matter how much cultural immersion you want as an adult, traveling with children has some different requirements for support. You will find resources for raising children internationally and a support group that will not be judgmental as you find what works best for your family living in Spain.  A big mistake many families living internationally with young children make is to forget to keep their children attached to the home country culture.  Do speak English at home.  Do get and read to your children in English. If your children go to a Spanish speaking school, DO give them writing and reading in English homework assignments. Do import age appropriate American history and social studies, educational and recreational DVD’s and games from the US.  Young children loose their facility for language quickly if they do not use it.  For good self esteem, children need to “fit in” when they return to the US. Repatriating to the US will be much more difficult emotionally for your children at 7 and 9 than moving to Spain at 4 and 6.  You can minimize the adjustment issues by being vigilant at keeping the children competent, in US language and social expectations while you are living in Spain.  This is a lot of extra work for you as parents but the rewards are your children will have good bi cultural self esteem.

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